Zen and the Art of Rescue Missions, Chapter Three

[lonewolfprincess]

Loathsome Leonard wished he’d brought a pack of cards or some dice. Or traded places with Malicious Mickey, guarding the audience from leaving and probably a lot less bored. Sure, Meat Sweats was no Heinous Green, but working with a chef meant free food, right? Always a plus. But the boss had told him to make sure no one approached the door, which… so far so good. There’d been some screaming and crashing on and off, but that was typical non-hidden city noise, right? Yup, smooth sailing all night. Hopefully the boss would leave some food for him afterward—

“Excuse us, good sir!”

Leonard startled back to alertness. Where’d these two come from?

The big, blocky guy in a white short-sleeved hoodie waved a friendly hand in the air. … A friendly green hand.

“Me and my compatriot here,” he gestured to the much smaller figure at his side, only dark bangs and eye shine visible between the hood-up tracksuit and surgical mask, “are humble couriers here to deliver a shipment of premium Whack-You Beef,” he patted the huge cardboard box behind them, coming up to his shoulder, “to the Barbecue Channel!”

“Wagyū…” the small one stage-whispered.

“Right, what she said!”

Leonard squinted at the big one… “Do I know you from somewhere, big guy?”

“No,” Big Guy scowled, voice flat and blunt as a sledgehammer. “No, you absolutely do not.”

Leonard searched his face for a few more seconds… then shrugged.

“Whatever. No one goes in or out tonight, boss’s orders.”

“Uhhh… you sure? This is some real high-quality steak in here! Yup, it’ll all go to waste if we can’t deliver it tonight. Our boss would not be happy about that!”

Leonard straightened up and glared. “And my boss said no trespassers.” He punched his fist. “Now scram before I make you.”

The smaller courier gasped, taking a step back. The big guy, though… he flashed a cold smirk, cracking his knuckles as he stepped in front of her.

“Fine. Could use a little payback anyway—”

“W-wait!” the girl shouted, throwing her gloved hands up.

Leonard grinned viciously. “You got something to say, girly?” She clearly had more brains and a lot less spine than the big guy. All he needed to do was scare her enough to either make them run or goad the big guy into a fight. Either way, win-win.

The girl quaked in her tennis shoes… but took a deep, shaky breath from behind her mask.

“I’m just… r-really surprised you’re turning this down…? I-I mean…” she placed a reverent hand on the box, “this is a whole cow’s worth of A5 Japanese wagyū…! It’s the most highly prized beef in the world!” Her eyes shimmered beneath her bangs. “Japanese cattle are bred and raised to have tons of flavorful fat marbling run through the whole muscle, even in the leanest and toughest cuts! I hear they’re fed high-quality grain and beer… given daily massages… they even have their coats brushed with sake! You don’t even need butter or oil to cook a wagyū steak, you can actually baste it in its own fat~!”

Leonard stared at the box, swallowing hard to stop the fountain of drool. Even the big guy looked starry-eyed.

“Grade A beef means they were able to harvest an amazing amount of meat from the carcass, and Grade 5 means the meat has a smooth, firm but tender texture and is loaded with creamy white marbling! And I think this shipment was all dry-aged for…” She pulled out a piece of paper, probably an invoice. Her free hand flew to her cheek as she gasped. “Forty-five days?!” She swooned. “The beef flavor is going to be so intense, not to mention all the deep, earthy umami notes from the aging process~!”

“Mmmmm~!” said the box.

All three sets of eyes bugged out.

The big guy let out a sheepish chuckle. “Y-yup! This meat is so good, you can practically hear the cow begging to be eaten! Hahaha…” He patted the box. Hard. “Be patient, cow…~” His last pat shook the box, and Leonard could swear he heard a muffled “ow!” from within.

“E-exactly!” The girl cleared her throat loudly. “I wish I could afford just a single piece from this shipment… I’d kill for a gyūdon right now, especially made from beef this luxurious… Chuck steak or maybe even the ribeye, shaved paper thin… simmered with crescent moons of onion in a savory and sweet dashi soy sauce until it’s just cooked through… piled high on top of fluffy, perfectly steamed short-grain rice with the sauce poured on top… crowned with a sunny-side up or poached egg so the yolk runs down and soaks into the beef and the rice—”

“COME TO PAPA!”

The big guy lunged at the box like a starving lion, only stopping short when the girl jumped in his path.

“Nonono, wait! We-we can’t! Remember, the uh… the code!”

The big guy blinked, then rubbed the back of his neck.

“Right, right! Of course! The courier’s code!” He pointed dramatically at the sky, shouting in a thick pirate brogue. “To brave all manner of high winds, raging storms, and rush-hour traffic! To protect our cargo with our lives and not plunder a single piece for ourselves, no matter the temptation! And to deliver it to the right port at the right time, or rightly suffer the lash!”

The girl stared at him a long moment… before a bright laugh bubbled out of her.

“Yup, that’s the one.” She calmed herself before turning to Leonard. “A-anyway… I-I just meant that I really admire your willpower, sir.” She gave him a light bow at the waist. “We’ll take this away now, sorry for disturbing you—”

“Wait!” Leonard shouted, a little more desperately than he meant to. He rummaged through his vest, grabbing as many unicorns as he could fit in a fist before pulling them out. “I’ll give you guys twenty unicorns to give me the box instead.”

The girl’s eyes flew open behind her bangs. “Unicorns are real…?” she squeaked. “I-I mean no… no, we couldn’t possibly—”

“Each!” Leonard cut in, holding out a second handful of unicorns.

The couriers gaped at each other for a long second… before the big guy grinned.

“What code?”



“This is what you called backup for?” Dastardly Danny asked, straining to pull the rope around the box.

“Trust me, fellas!” Loathsome Leonard grinned even as he struggled to push the box with the big guy’s help. “Once the boss is done crowning himself Fullmetal Gastronaut or whatever, he can use this to make us the biggest post-heist afterparty feast ever!”

A few more heaves… and there! The box now stood proudly in one of the smaller kitchen studios.

“Great job, guys!” Malicious Mickey cheered proudly.

Danny glared at him. “You didn’t do jack! You just walked with us!”

“Uh, yeah, I was giving moral support?” He held out his long, noodly fins. “Plus, I’d just slow you down… no upper body strength.”

“Funny how your upper body strength always seems fine when the hard part’s over and it’s time to count the loot, Mickey…”

“Ahem!” The big guy held up the piece of paper from before. “If one of you gentlemen could sign this—ohhh…” He winced as his eyes fell back on the paper.

“What, what is it?” Leonard asked, not sure whether his suspicion, impatience, or hunger were winning out.

“Well, uh, this is embarrassing! Turns out I was right the first time!” The big guy’s chipper grin and voice melted into something dark and sinister. “It is a box full of Whack-You…”

The Mud Dogs couldn’t let out more than a puzzled “huh?” before the box flew open.

“Oh crap, the steak is a lie, run—!”

A flurry of green fists and feet flew into jaws and stomachs and legs and fins, sending the Mud Dogs sprawling on the floor in a woozy pile. Raphael grinned as he tossed the dazed criminals into a pantry closet and slammed the door hard enough to crack the solid wood.

“That’s for dragging me into a life of crime!” He dusted his hands with a satisfied smirk as Donnie FAB-sprayed the door within an inch of its life… before he registered Kotori’s puzzled look. He rubbed the back of his neck with a nervous chuckle. “Um… long story?”

Leo lazily rolled his shoulder. “Great job, everybody.” He smirked and gently elbowed Kotori. “Especially you. Check out the Juilliard graduate, guys.”

“Yeah, that was incredible, Kotori~!” Mikey bounded up to her with starry eyes. “That description had my mouth watering! I’d say I can’t believe you got that guy to pay you to let us in, but I totally can!”

“Yes, yes, we’ll put in your nomination for Best Featured Actress once this is wrapped up,” Donnie drawled as he stepped away from the door. Only his brothers caught the slight upturn at the corner of his mouth.

Kotori blushed deeply under her mask, but… a little spark lit in her chest too, one she hadn’t felt in… months? Had it really been months since she felt this happy?

“Th-thank you… I-I just think about food way too much, really…” She gave Raph a little nod. “Raph’s the one who sold it by jumping at the box.”

“Er uh… yeah.” Raph turned his gaze up to the very interesting ceiling, cheeks blending into his mask. “Yeah, that was totally Raph playing along and not him forgetting for a second that the beef wasn’t real.”

She bit down a soft giggle just a little too late. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “I probably would’ve done it too if it was the other way around…”

Raph chuckled back, giving her a shy smile.

Leo watched for a minute, before clearing his throat. “Okay, gang, now that the mooks are… put out to pasture…”

He chuckled as his brothers groaned, then brandished his swords, and Kotori couldn’t stop herself from flinching a half-step back. But then… the blades twirling in Leo’s hands glowed with soft blue runes, red and yellow stripes brightening in response, and then… they sliced through the air itself, and a swirling window of bright blue light stood in the cut.

“Time for the main course.” Leo looked over his shoulder, cool smile faltering at Kotori’s wide eyes and stiff stance. “Relax, Ko, it’s not gonna bite.”

“N-no no, that’s not it…” Or, well… not just it anymore, the reflexive fear slowly melting into awe. “You… you really weren’t kidding about the magic, were you?”

“Technically, it’s called mystic power,” Donnie piped up. “Or in this specific case, it’s Hamato ninpō, which—”

“Donnie,” his brothers cut him off flatly.

Donnie rolled his eyes. “Fine… Rescue now, mystic lecture later.”

And with that, he jogged through the portal as if it was an ordinary door, Raph and Mikey following close behind. Leo stayed behind, sweeping an usher’s bow.

Kotori gulped, wondered for a split second how the heck this wasn’t some fever dream… and pushed herself to run. One second, light and the tap of concrete floor beneath her shoes… then nothing but swirling light all around her… then deep shadows with spotlight stars and the clank of metal pipes and then her foot finding nothing but air—oh god!

“Whoa!”

Huge and tiny hands grabbed her arms, pulled her back from the brink to sit her down in the rafters above the studio.

“Gotcha!” And Mikey gave her helmet a few pats for good measure.

“Th-thank you…” Kotori sighed. “Are the chefs okay…?”

“Ahhhh~”

The satisfied sigh rang out from down below, the perfume of a rich pork broth chasing after the sound. Meat Sweats grinned as he poured the pressure cooker’s contents through a large fine-mesh sieve, catching the meaty bones and roughly chopped aromatics as the cloudy golden liquid flowed into a stock pot.

“Now that is how you unleash the flavor! Isn’t that right, everyone?”

The audience members all nodded rapidly, a faint, shy chorus of “mhmm!” rising from the crowd.

Meat Sweats narrowed his beady red eyes. “I said… isn’t that right, everyone…?”

The audience burst into frantic, whooping applause!

“Wow, would you just look at that stock, everybody?!” Walton Gray asked with the biggest, brightest smile and voice of his life, strapped to the throne of the Fullmetal Gastronomist’s Chairperson with an ungodly amount of butcher’s twine. “Only Rupert Swaggart could make such a beautiful broth in such a short amount of time!”

“That’s better~!” Meat Sweats said with a cheerful smile.

“Oh man…~” Mikey whispered, whipping out his phone and taking rapid-fire photos of the kitchen below before hooking an arm around Kotori’s shoulder for a selfie. “That broth has to be for his famous pork risotto…! I can’t believe we’re watching Chef Swaggart cook it live, this is the best night ever~”

Kotori stared between him and the pig chef in shock. “That’s… he kidnapped my mother, Mikey…!” she whisper-shrieked. “And he’s holding all those other people hostage too…!”

Mikey nodded sagely as he composed a text to go with the photos. “And we’ll kick his butt about it and free her, don’t worry! Still gotta recognize the culinary artistry on display, right?”

Kotori huffed, holding it for a few stubborn seconds… before her nose betrayed her and took in more of the broth’s perfume, rich and savory and… was that an evergreen note?

“Juniper berries, right…?” She remembered that one Swedish bakery liked using a juniper glaze on their holiday gingerbread cookies. “That’s an interesting touch…” she muttered begrudgingly. “That’s a lot of them if we can smell it from here, though… Isn’t that going to overpower the rice…?”

Mikey cracked an eye open, smile still serene. “Hm… sounds like someone should show him how it’s done, huh~?”

“I…” Kotori froze. Curled in on herself, cradled her left hand, light dimming in her eyes. “Let’s just… focus on the rescue, okay…? Please…?”

Mikey frowned. That… wasn’t the reaction he was expecting at all. Not to mention her shutting down the idea of a cook-off back on the fire escape. Why would the daughter of a chef be so nervous about cooking? Why… did the look in her eyes feel so familiar…?

He fixed a smile back on his face and patted her shoulder, silently promising to pencil her in for a talk with Dr. Feelings.

“Don’t worry about it… Like I said, we’ve got this. This is like a normal Saturday night for us.”

He didn’t catch the baffled look Kotori threw him, or gave his brothers, who just smiled and shrugged back, as he sent his texts to the group chat so April and Casey could see.

>> Catching FGG live! 🤩 (Meat Swets crashed the party) Made a new frend too! Fill u in l8r! 🧡



The texts buzzed silently in Casey’s hoodie pocket as he forced himself to maintain eye contact with Cassandra, glaring at him from across the counter. Sure, kick up a fuss to distract everyone, no big deal. Would’ve been nice to know how people normally acted in chocolate shops for a baseline, or if his scene partner was someone other than his future mother whom he’d just met half an hour ago, but small details, right? What could possibly go wrong?!

“Well…?” Cassandra growled, rapping her fingers against the counter.

“I um…” Casey gulped. Of all the things Sensei taught him, why wasn’t lying by the seat of your pants ever part of the lesson plan? “I… have a few questions about your menu… Miss?”

Cassandra’s eye twitched. “One: call me Miss again at your own peril, strange boy!”

Casey flinched back, holding his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay… got it.”

“And two…” She took a deep, seething breath through her nose, before speaking rapidly. “The milk chocolate is not vegan. The almond, rice, and coconut milks are vegan. Nothing we sell is low-calorie or has added protein, though we do have some gluten-free options. No, I do not know the calorie count of all our ice creams off the top of my head; the information is available on our website and you may look it up yourself. We do not sell pizza, tacos, or phone chargers. All our prices are fixed, and we will not offer you a discount just because you demand one. The utensils and condiments are on the stand literally right behind you. Yes, I am well aware that the sign has terrible spelling and a hideous mascot. And if value your life, you will report any messes to me at once, and not leave them behind without telling a soul!”

Casey… stared, dumbfounded. “Wow. Do people really ask you that stuff?” he asked, lowering his voice to not blow their cover.

“Every. Single. Day… My faith in humanity has never been lower…” said the former member of an apocalypse-ushering ninja clan who’d only been working at this shop for a single week.

“Ouch…” He rolled his eyes. “You’d think people would be a little more grateful… At least—”

Casey clamped his mouth shut. At least they could go to bed with full stomachs every night, had more things to fill them with than rats and leaves. But no one needed to know that… that was the whole point, right? Mission accomplished…

Cassandra gave him a quiet, skeptical brow… and then sighed gently. “We can discuss your tragic backstory another time.” And Casey remembered just enough of his mother’s voice to hear the rough, genuine offer in this young woman’s. “For now, you are not being nearly disruptive enough. Be the single worst customer I have ever had in my life!”

Ah. Right. Current mission. Casey tamped down his touched smile by clearing his throat.

“I’m just saying, ‘ice cream’ is two words! Why is it one word on the sign?!”

Cassandra scoffed loudly. “This again…! I am a minimum-wage Chocolate Concierge, sir! I am not responsible for our marketing decisions!”

“Well… why not? Shouldn’t you have a say in the company you work for?”

“Ha! You’d think that, wouldn’t you?”

The rest of the store watched wide-eyed as the Chocolate Concierge launched into a rant about the evils of late-stage capitalism. … Except for the one girl, who smirked as she slipped her hood over her head and strolled into the hallway at the back of the store.

Restrooms, tiny break room… ah! Manager’s office! Closed and lights off, but thankfully unlocked. April’s glasses glinted as she slipped through the door and closed it behind her. She pulled up the office chair in front of a flat monitor. A flat monitor with a large sticky note adorning the top left corner.

“Username: BurneThom87
Password: 54321”

April stared at the note dryly. “Now that’s just sad.” Her fingers flew over the keyboard to type them in, propping her cheek in one hand as she waited for the computer to finish logging in. “You’d think a front for a shady, stupid rich organization would get a better handle on cybersecurity.”

… Now that she thought about it… there was a good chance this could be some kind of trap. But who would expect someone to just waltz off the street and try to hack into a sweet shop’s manager’s computer the easy way? After all, if these were the same guys that had been stonewalling her and Donnie the last few months, they clearly knew what they were doing on the tech front, and they knew that she and Donnie knew what they were doing. So, either they were expecting this, or the guy they had managing this place really was that stupid.

Well, if this was a trap, all the more reason to get in, get what she needed, and get out fast.

Twenty seconds later, the desktop finally loaded, and April perused the folder labels.

“Let’s see… Money’s always a good place to start…” A click on the Financials folder. “Sales Figures, Charity Donations, Work Orders… R&D Budget?”

Now what would a chocolate shop need to research…?

Refrigeration equipment… Seasonal flavors… peppermint, pink champagne, cherry blossom, bubblegum… Those would be ordinary… if it weren’t for the six-to-seven figure numbers attached to each one.

“Gotcha~” April pulled out her still-battered phone to take photos. With how thorough these guys had been at scrubbing their online presence clean, she couldn’t trust even a copied file would stay safe. “Shame you couldn’t R&D some better signage—”

The door flew open before April could even steady her camera for a clean shot.

“Hey! What are you doing in here?!”



“Huh, left on read,” Mikey mused, before shrugging and putting his phone away. Usually April was quick to at least react with a heart emoji. “Hope they’re having fun, because they’re missing out on a hell of a show, baby~”

“And there!” Meat Sweats slid the mountain of freshly chopped mirepoix away with the blade of his cleaver, wiping a sweaty brow with his meaty forearm. “Now that all our mise-en-place is complete…” Meat Sweats rubbed his gauntlets as he sneered at his rivals, bound and gagged on eight kitchen counters like lambs on altars. “It’s time to prepare our eight-course feast…!”

Kotori’s heart froze, eyes falling on the last counter, her mother struggling against her bonds. No… no, that monster wouldn’t… Would he…

“Mom… No…”